top of page

All Jokes

I'm reading a book about gravity. It's impossible to put down for reasons beyond physics.

I asked a Scottish man how many layers he was wearing. He said 'kilt it with one.'

Why do Australians make great detectives? They always get to the bottom of things mate.

I tried speaking French to a Parisian. He gave me points for effort then corrected me in perfect English.

A Texan and a New Yorker had an argument. The Texan won by sheer volume.

Why don't pirates speak with a Brooklyn accent? It would just sound like Aye I'm walkin here!

Why do accountants make great lovers? They're good with figures.

I asked an accountant to tell me a joke. He said Depreciation. I didn't get it at first but it got better over time.

How do accountants stay calm? They keep their balance.

Why did the accountant stare at the glass of juice? Because it said concentrate.

What's an accountant's favorite film? The Debit Card.

Why did the actor break up with the calendar? Too many dates.

I used to be an actor but got too attached to my roles. My therapist says it's a stage I'm going through.

Why are actors terrible at poker? They always show their hand.

An actor was asked what his best role was. He said Parking I can stay in character for hours.

Why did the actor go to jail? He got caught doing a scene.

Why can't you trust an atom on a plane? Because they make up everything including the turbulence.

The pilot announced we'd land ahead of schedule. Nobody believed him. That was his best performance.

Why did the plane go to school? To improve its altitude.

I told a joke on a plane once. It really took off.

Why don't secrets last on airplanes? Because the seats have ears and the overhead bins have eyes.

My dog and I are in a committed relationship. Neither of us knows what we want for dinner.

I told my therapist I feel like a pair of curtains. She said pull yourself together.

A horse walks into a bar. Several customers leave, sensing an allegory.

Angry person drinking coffee

I drink coffee for your protection.

Person drinking coffee

First I drink the coffee. Then I do the things.

Sad person looking at decaf coffee

Decaf? That’s just bean water betrayal.

Illustration of a cup of coffee

Coffee, because murder is illegal.

Illustration of a person with a pillow

Without coffee, I’m basically a decorative pillow.

Illustration Person looking lovingly at a cup of espresso

I’m espresso-ly fond of you.

Illustration of a person running with a cup of coffee

Better latte than never.

Illustration of a happy person with coffee

Don’t worry, be frappe.

illustration of a Person looking crazy with a mocha

You mocha me crazy.

illustration of a Person looking lovingly at a coffee bean

Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me.

illustration of a woman thinking about coffee

I wonder of coffee thinks of me too

Illustration of a depressed person with a cup of coffee

Don’t be depresso, have an espresso.

illustration of Thanks a latte.

Thanks a latte.

illustration of a cup of coffee

I’m feeling brew-tally honest today.

Illustration of a woman sipping coffee

Sip happens.

illustration of a person with an I.V. filled with coffee

My blood type is dark roast.

I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

Coffee: Because 7 a.m. is rude.

The only thing brewing faster than coffee is my bad attitude without it.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

I function on caffeine and sarcasm.

My brain has a loading screen before coffee.

This meeting could have been a coffee.

Coffee is cheaper than therapy.

This spreadsheet needs espresso.

I don’t clock in. I brew in.

My productivity is directly proportional to caffeine levels.

Coffee breaks are my cardio.

Work without coffee? Grounds for resignation.

I have a latte on my plate.

I attend meetings for the coffee.

I’m not late. I was brewing.

I love you more than coffee… almost.

We’re in a brew-mance.

Love at first sip.

I like my coffee like I like my humor, dark.

I have trust issues with decaf.

Coffee never ghosts me.

Coffee makes my heart skip a beat… medically concerning, but worth it.

My love language is refills.

Decaf is just coffee’s evil twin.

Coffee is the Wi-Fi of life.

If in doubt, add coffee.

I’m running on fumes and French roast.

Dark roast, darker humor.

Espresso is just concentrated ambition.

A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

Coffee: because naps are frowned upon at work.

I’ve got 99 problems but coffee solves most of them.

Coffee, the glue holding my life together.

A balanced diet is coffee in both hands.

My coffee is hotter than my temper.

I’m not shaking. I’m vibrating with enthusiasm.

I sip, therefore I am.

Bean there, brewed that.

I run on Dunkin’ and pour decisions.

The early bird gets the coffee.

I came. I saw. I caffeinated.

Why don't dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

Why did the cat sit on the computer?

To keep an eye on the mouse.

What do you call a cat that gets everything it wants?

Purrr-suasive.

What do cats eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.

What do you call a sleeping dog?

A hush puppy.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

What do you call a dog that can tell time?

A watchdog.

Why did the cow go to outer space?

To see the Milky Way.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

Why don't elephants use computers?

They're afraid of the mouse.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

Why did the chicken join a band?

Because it already had drumsticks.

What do you call a cow that plays an instrument?

A moo-sician.

Why did the farmer win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a sad horse?

A nightmare.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a pig that drives recklessly?

A road hog.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

bottom of page