Dad Jokes
All the best Dad Jokes, allin one place to keep you laughing for hours.
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why did the cat sit on the computer?
To keep an eye on the mouse.
What do you call a cat that gets everything it wants?
Purrr-suasive.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
What do you call a sleeping dog?
A hush puppy.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watchdog.
Why did the cow go to outer space?
To see the Milky Way.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
Why don't elephants use computers?
They're afraid of the mouse.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What do you call a cow that plays an instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why did the farmer win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a sad horse?
A nightmare.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What do you call a pig that drives recklessly?
A road hog.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want, he can't hear you.
Why don't tigers eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a sleeping bear?
Don't call him anything, just run.
Why don't oysters share?
Because they're shellfish.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a shark that delivers toys?
Santa Jaws.
Why don't fish play basketball?
They're afraid of the net.
Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
Why don't dolphins do well on tests?
Because they work below C level.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What do you call a bird that's afraid to fly?
Chicken.
What do you call an owl that does magic?
Hoo-dini.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
Why did the rooster refuse to fight?
He was chicken.
Why did the fly never land on the computer?
He was afraid of the web.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor.
Why did the spider go on the internet?
To check his web.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
What do you call a firefly that's failing school?
Not very bright.
What do you call a monkey that sells chips?
A chipmunk.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades?
He had his head in the clouds.
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the rabbit go to the barber?
He had too many split hares.
What do you call a rabbit comedian?
A funny bunny.
Why did the mouse fail his driving test?
He kept squeaking the brakes.
What do you call a beaver that tells good jokes?
Dam funny.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
What do you call a lizard that sings?
A rap-tile.
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why did the koala get promoted?
Because he was un-bear-ably good at his job.
What do you call a well-dressed lion?
A dandy-lion.
Why did the skunk call his lawyer?
Because he got into a stink with his landlord.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
unfortunately none of them work.
I started a procrastinators' support group.
We haven't met yet.
I love long walks
especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I'm great at multitasking.
I can disappoint several people at once.
I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
I used to hate facial hair,
but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
It was just gathering dust.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two tired.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the 'P' is silent.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
I used to play piano by ear,
but now I use my hands.
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why are elevator jokes so good?
Because they work on every level.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
